I am frustrating

You know I know this:
I am frustrating
I am difficult
I am emotional
and I am dramatic.

You know I know this:
I am intense
I am stubborn
I am irritating
and I am beyond crazy


But you know that I know
that without all of this I am not me.
I would be boring and plain and common.
If this is what you would like
If this is what you would enjoy
Just feel free to go
Just feel free to leave
and I am sorry to be me.

A commitment

Maybe I should really make a commitment to do something productive. Like something inside me tells me I should rock out and be the musician I want to be and could easily be. You know you have a lot to give and only so many ways to give it. Maybe I should really make a commitment to being the parent Grace deserves and the parent I want to be. She is an amazing child (as all God's children are) but you know there is something super special about this one. She has something that I could never have. I don't know what it is but it is truly something extraordinary. Maybe I should make a commitment to fighting the truth and give in to my insight. There is only so many times God is going to slap me across my face and tell me to listen. Not that He is going to give up but there are little signs and then there are big signs. He doesn't want to give you the big signs. Maybe I should make a commitment to making a commitment to something in my life. I wish it were that easy and I just could forgive myself and let go of the control and let the fear take over for just one minute just to be distinguished moments later. Forgive myself for all of those things that I wish I could take back from all of anyone who's anyone in my life that I have hurt. I know I am a sinner and am forgiven by grace but it is much harder for that self forgiveness. Where is my commitment to myself?

Two Rants

1. This government shutdown thing is crap. I feel really bad for all of my friends who will not have enough money to pay bills and feed their kids until this crap government figures this stuff out. And as I have just read, it is all over Planned Parenthood. :/ Not happy. Where is the Donald when you need him? jk

2. This royal wedding nonsense. The only reason why we in America know anything about this is because the media wants us to know and care. Yes, the possibility of it being a cool wedding is awesome but we are American and not British. The British have every right to be excited since it is the future king and queen of their country. Not us though. WHY WOULD,SHOULD, COULD WE CARE?

Growing

So I bought a pattern the other day for Grace's Christmas dress this year. My mom makes one every year and I have discovered that if you don't buy the pattern when you see it you may not be able to find it again. So I bought it. I called my mom and told her. She was cool with that and we started talking about another dress she is going to make Grace this summer. She asked me if I would measure Grace again before I head back up to Wyoming. She said that the last time Grace was there she measured her height as 31". This was in early March. I then found my tapemeasure and measured her. I was pretty sure she had grown but I was wasn't expecting these results. She was now 33 1/2". She grew 2 1/2 inches since the beginning of March. No wonder she had been keeping me up at night and had been eating so much and was sooooo cranky. I don't think she is done either. She kept me up most of the night last night. :/ I am super tired today. Luckily my schedule isn't really that demanding today. On another Grace related note, she is not going to the potty for me. She does it all day at daycare and never messes her panties but that is the first thing she does when she gets home. I tried to have a heart to heart with her yesterday about it but she just was not convinced that going  pee on the potty at home was a good idea. Any suggestions? I have tried to give her rewards, sticking her on the pot first thing in the morning, singing, dancing and none of these things work with her. It is super frustrating.

Men are big babies

I hope I get an Amen for this rant.
I love, love, love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong, but when he gets even the slightest sniffle he is such a big baby. My brother was the same way, as was my step dad, my dad and ex-husband. Why is this? I drag my but up no matter how I feel and usually I just take something so I can go on with my life. I don't have time to complain about being sick. Like right now, I  have allergies that I have to take meds for. Spring is the worst for me in this area. It even affects my singing voice and my hearing. But do I complain about them, no, not really. If someone asks, yes, I will talk about it but I am not one for sympathy for being sick. So why are men so awful when it comes to being sick? Enlighten me, someone please?

Grace has been wearing panties to daycare now and doing well there. Still no progress at home but I am sure we will get there soon.
I am thinking about running Jack Quinn's tonight for the first time since I got my shirt in Sept. This should be fun. :/ I am just feel so yucky. I know it is due to being super busy during the fall with work and school and J and my accident in January set me back a bit too. It is not time to get moving. I am going to California in June, which means I may have to be seen in public in a bathing suit. I know there will be no comparison between me (cellulite and pouchy belly post baby) and the teenage girls ( no cellulite ever and flattest of flat tummys) I will be going with. I gotta try though. It's not like I am going to be out to impress anyone or to pick anyone up, I just want to feel not fat in a swimsuit. Anyone feel me on this?

The good and the bad

The good- I am the most blessed to have A. a daughter who is the most beautiful, the funniest, the sassiest, and the bossiest person in my life. I truly love waking up to her saying "Care Bears, Mama, Care Bears." or " I want chocolate milk" (which is not really chocolate milk, but a protein shake, lol). B. a boyfriend who truly wants to be with me, Megan, and not me, Sgt Crabtree, or me, Megan the party girl. He loves my facial expressions even if he has no clue what they all mean, and my not so good taste in music lol. C. a family that is most supportive, patient, and tolerant of my antics, pie in the sky ideas, and moods. This is the good.

The bad- my apartment. I am about to leave this hunk of junk place. My landlord is awesome but I have gotten my car broken into and my radio stolen, my hoodies stolen out of the washer, and this stupid noisy courtyard in which I can hear everyone all the time. Ugh!!!

Old friends

Today has been a pretty good day. Grace did not sleep well on Friday night so I knew I was in for a day come the morning. We slept in and then went to the store. She was pretty good. Then it began. She was cranky, cranky, cranky. :/ We had two great shows though. My solo went well enough. What was really cool today though, is that I got to see my friend of many years, Alesia. I have known her since I was in 6th grade, she was in 5th. She is down here from Rock Springs, doing some Zumba training. Good for her.:) We broke open a bottle of wine and we caught up. She is great and always will be. Every time I see or talk to her, it is like no time has passed at all. That is how a friendship should be.